CHICAGO, IL – A study released yesterday by thirteen researchers at University of Chicago’s Pritzker School of Medicine concludes that standardized test scores are the most important indicators of human worth. Utilizing recently developed magnetic imaging techniques, the scientists found that test scores such as the SAT function as precise measurement (to the nearest .024% statistical accuracy) of a person’s value to society, his or her intellectual capacity, and his or her chance at future happiness.
“If our calculations are accurate, then standardized academic precision is a direct causation of moral goodness,” said Dr. Hakaru Jong, a research associate at the University’s department of neurobiology. “We’ve had a feeling for quite some time that filling in small circles with pencil lead is of tremendous social utility and metaphysical importance, but this is the first time that we’ve been able to precisely quantify its moral implications.”
According to many within the education community, the study, entitled Low SAT Scores Make You a Bad Person, Evidence From fMRI, merely confirms what has been known for quite a long time. “Nominally, the SAT is a standardized measurement of scholastic achievement – a marker of narrow-minded multiple choice test taking ability,” said Stanford University’s head Admissions Officer Daniel Steinman. “However, this study confirms what we’ve been saying all along: If you mess up your SATs then you’re messing up your life.”
A guidance counselor from local John Jay High School in Cross River, NY tersely explains, “Basically, you’re life is summed up as a little dot on chart. Log into Naviance, and the closer you are to the top right hand corner, the better you are as a person. It’s simple.”
Many religious educators applaud the study’s claim about ultimate moral goodness. “This study is just more proof that God does not value intellectual curiosity,” maintains High School guidance counselor and local Minister Daniel Devine of Holy Cross High School in Raleigh, NC. “Don’t learn about the world. Don’t learn about evolution. Don’t learn about heliocentricity. Just study for your SATs and don’t question our answers. You don’t want to go to hell, do you?”
Other high school administrators are not as impressed by the results. “Judging students’ worth on their SAT scores is absurd!” remarks an administrator of John Jay High School. “You have to at least take into account how well they play sports before you can judge their moral worth.”
Many experts believe that this study will only aid in the meteoric rise of College Board – the organization that administers the SATs – as the sole arbiter of life’s importance. Despite current congressional investigations into the nonprofit organization’s monopoly on academic success, its questionable AP-money handling procedures and its alleged attempts to destroy students’ souls, College Board’s ideology has gained widespread acceptance among the nation’s youth. “College Board’s dogma is simple,” explains Emory University’s Religious Studies professor Dr. Justin Dimmesdale. “It preaches that grades, SATs, and college acceptance are not the means to a greater stage of human happiness, but are the ends themselves.” This study legitimates College Board’s claims.
The paper, however, downplays the religious undertones of its conclusion. “Look, as scientists we’re not trying to tell you what the meaning of life is,” said the study’s primary author Dr. Junji Kim. “We’re just pretty sure it has a lot to do with memorizing mass quantities of information and writing that information down in short periods of time.”
April Fools? SATs tomorrow.
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